Is This A Good College Admission Appeal Essay ?
January 8, 2010 by Rob
Filed under College Admissions
Im applying to The New England Institute of Art in Boston, MA for Graphic Design.
“I’ve learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences”.
I’ve learned a lot of lessons throughout high school. When I wa
I have a passion for making creative art. After years of taken art classes such as Drawing I, Drawing II, Mixed media, and software programs Fireworks 8, Flash 8, and Dream Weaver; I became a lot more motivated to get a further education in art and design. My art and design skills have increased with in the past 3 years and my creativity. I have some professional experience with web design and graphic design. My uncle is a web designer with his own company called Last Resort Systems; I have helped do some web design for his company. I have also have participated in contest’s for new logos for companies. I also have the passion for music; as of right now I play the acoustic guitar and write music and hope to make a band and/or record company. I would like to take music classes for my general electives.
Going to Boston is a good choice for me; it’s a big change coming from New Hampshire; with so much to do and numerous job opportunities. I’m really looking forward to meeting a lot of great people and starting a new life in the city.
Life is something everyone should try once and I know I’m ready for the next step.
Your essay should be solely written by and about you to provide the admissions advisers with a meaningful reflection of your personality and your abilities. That said, while I could go through and rewrite your essay for you, I won’t. Instead, I’ll provide you with some constructive criticism, guidelines, and tips in the interest of helping you improve your essay.
First, go through your essay for grammar alone. Just skimming through your essay, I noticed more than a few misspellings, run-on sentences, sentence fragments, and misplaced commas / semicolons / apostrophes / etc.
Next, review your essay in terms of content. Elaborate on the subjects you only touched upon — WHY should you “try life”? WHY do you have “a passion for making creative art”? WHY (and do?) you consider yourself a “hero”?
It would be very helpful if you were to post the prompt that this essay is in response to — however, I’m assuming that you’re trying to make the point that you’re a hero since you’ve stepped up and accepted responsibility for your actions. If so, try to continue this theme throughout your paper — mention it in your conclusion and somewhere in the middle of the essay to tie up the loose ends and prevent the choppiness that runs rampant through it as is.
Finally, pick up a few different colored highlighters and comb through your paper for repetition and redundancy. In moderation, remember that a thesaurus is your friend. You don’t just like something — you’re enthused about it. You don’t just have a passion for art — you thirst to express yourself creatively. You haven’t just learned — you’ve grown and matured and come to accept and embrace the person you are today.
Then, try to use more vibrant imagery. Remove all of the “is”-es and “are”-s from your paper and replace them with active verbiage.
And sentence structure? Look at how many times that you use “I” and “my” throughout — and not just at the beginning of a sentence, either. Don’t just make use of the good ol’ staple of the simple sentence — try throwing in some clauses, rearranging your thoughts, and just adding some spice into the mix.
Sure, it may be a bit more work than having someone write or rewrite your essay for you, but in the end, the effort will be worth it when you receive that fat acceptance letter in the mail. Not only will you be able to grasp the tangible embodiment of your hard work, but you’ll also have an amazing four-year college experience spanning ahead of you!
I apologize if this response sounds a bit harsh or critical, but believe me when I say that, as a complete stranger, I do have your best interests at heart. College can be one of the best times of your life — I’m looking forward to going next year! — and you need to go ahead and seize life for what it is — hard work and all.
Best of luck in all of your future endeavors!
You have too many ” a lot” s in your essay. Find different ways to say it that are more eloquent.
You also need to work on the end with too many “I have”, “I also have” ” I also have”… find a better way to transition these sentences.
This is either a for-profit or a private school. Either way, its not Regionally accredited. (Just so you know.) It’s got a pretty big price tag to go with it.
Here are my comments:
Instead of saying you were lazy in high school, I think you should say
“It took me sometime to make a decision regarding what I wanted to with my life. As soon as I realized that had a passion for creative arts, I decided that I would like to one day enroll in the New England Institute of Art’s Graphic Design program.
I was interested in the program because of the great opportunities that are available in the surrounding greater Boston area as well as the school’s reputation.
When I realized what I wanted to do and decided that NEIA would help me achieve my goal, I became determined to do my best in high school. I did whatever was required, including staying long after school, doing every assigned home work and studying for extended periods of time.”
You should then go on to talk about your work experience if you have any, extracurriculars and some of the cool creative stuff you have done. Be careful to make sure that you use “I have” instead of “I’ve” I do not instead of I don’t and stuff like that.
Good luck to you. Good essay so far. Just a few changes.